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Thursday, April 29, 2010; 12:36 PM
Everyone has different perspective on live and matters,
therefore we cannot force others to see the way you do.
People are with different personality, temperament and background.
Hence, our thinking will unavoidably be different.
Some can compromise, some cannot...
That why we all need to learn through experience...
最后一抹的微笑在转身之后
我闭上眼哭了
仅存的一点点骄傲华丽的外表
终于丢掉很彷徨很孤单
是寂寞或悲惨
一个人该怎么办
像是刺猬般防范
伪装的勇敢不轻易让你看穿
我以为可以很坦然面对分开
时不觉得伤感然而将灯关上
一片无声黑暗
心痛的大声呼喊
我想我没那么坚强
每个女孩其实一样
渴望着爱情的好
渴望被拥抱却都害怕爱让人受伤
承认我没那么坚强
不过是一而再的逞强
小心将情绪收藏
比傻瓜还傻刺猬的坚强全都是假象
哭吧像是刺猬般
防范伪装的勇敢
不轻易让你看穿我
以为可以很坦然面对分开
时不觉得伤感然而将灯关上
一片无声黑暗
心痛的大声呼喊我想我没那么坚强
每个女孩其实一样渴望着爱情的好
渴望被拥抱却都害怕爱让人受伤
承认我没那么坚强
不过是一而再的逞强
小心将情绪收藏
比傻瓜还傻
刺猬的坚强全都是假象
我想我没那么坚强
每个女孩其实一样渴望着爱情的好
渴望被拥抱却都害怕爱让人受伤
承认我没那么坚强
不过是一而再的逞强
小心将情绪收藏
比傻瓜还傻刺猬的坚强全都是假象~~~哭吧
Tuesday, April 20, 2010; 6:07 PM
Today, my mood is super terrible.
Father scolded me for not helping him to do the thing that I don't know how to do.
I didn't do it because I did not learnt before and I scared I wrote wrongly.
And there you are, scolding me and saying that you have wasted the money on me for study.
Let me be straight that now you are lending me your cpf account money only, I will pay you back when I am working.
For the laptop is on a loan, which was my name, and I am the one who is paying it.
Also, the textbook i bought is I lend money from friend to buy de.
What you choose to do is to ignore when I talk about money on buying textbook.
SO PLEASE SHUT YOUR SHIT UP.
When you are not in the shoe of others, you don't emphasis. Today, someone says something that hurt me. I know that person who said it is not trying to shoot me or what. They are speaking from their background and all those, that why I don't feel any anger toward that person.
The financial background I am in are super bad. I need to lend money from friend just to buy a $19.40 textbook. Therefore I will think a meal that cost $5 over is consider expensive. You are blessed and you have that money and so you think $20 over meal is okies. That is something I cannot comment.
I mean if I have money like your background. I will also think that $20 over for a meal is such cheap meal. It is okies. When someone told me she cannot afford it, I will think she is lying and don't want to dine with me.
Anyway, I am just telling everyone so that I won't be misunderstood.
Last few days back, I don't have money to buy a proper meal and therefore eating desert for lunch. Actually I was super starved but how am I suppose to tell people. I won't beg cause I am not a beggar. I won't beg cause I did have pride.
When people said that they treat me, you think my pride won't be affected. It will actually. But what can I do. I cannot afford to eat or go to those place and then you all want me to go. You all see me pathetic so offer to treat. I will of course feel bu hao yi xi and also bad for sure.
Maybe people like me should not be with friends, cause I will always spoil people fun of going out because of my financial.
I won't be angry or what cause I know we cannot always want people to be in our shoes. It was because they did not experience it therefore they cannot sympathize. They just say it because they say from what they think from their shoes.
Sunday, April 18, 2010; 12:34 PM
I just don't know what got into me just then.
It just make me feel like crying and feel so hurt.
Never mind it is just my fault in particular
cause what you said is truth.
Therefore it makes no sense for me to cry.
I don't want to say more about the matter mentioned above.
I am just saying that everything is fine,
if it isn't, anything wrong just blame me that it.
School starting tomorrow.
I was thinking should I go to fix my laptop as
the key c and the space bar sometime can not be pressed.
Leave that aside first,
one of my main concern is the purchasing of textbooks.
I told my dad about the textbooks I needed to buy when school reopen but he choose to ignore me and do his own things.
He did not even did answer any of the question related to money.
He just throw the burden to me.
I was now worrying about that.
As we will only be able to purchase the textbook during first week of school, After that we can only photocopy from others which will be more expensive.
You all might be wondering about the salary i will get from ITP right?
However, sadly to say that I will be only receive the salary next month
due to procedure it need to be approved.
Sometime I know I shall not rely on miracle
but I have to as I just cannot help it.
Sometime I just cannot pay within my might that I accept the offer.
I just feel I own you lots and also a lot of things.
I know you don't mean it but indirectly it really did.
As you make it sound like i so shameless to accept all offer people offered.
I don't really know what I am trying to say.
I just feel so confused. I was weeping yesterday and today.
Hopefully I won't weep the next day.
The deep puddle of tears that are left where I cried just get deeper and deeper.
Sometime it just make me think that
I am drag into the depth of the pool and unable to breathe.
Although people comment that I am a cheerful person and I keep smiling, always saying jokes or entertain people cause I don't like to be quiet,
it is just an outer facade that hid me well.
I can't possibly keep emo or show sadness to everyone right.
You won't really want to get know to a person who is sad always right?
I don't understand why I blog this post, is just that I think I am sad enough to blog my unhappiness so that it won't drag me further down the pool. I just cannot say it straight to face to my parents as I know they do really have their financial difficulties so I just can't force them to the cliff.
In heavy debt and they are still borrowing money from others,
of course no ones are lending them.
Resulting me having maggie always or skip meals always.
I can frankly say that my wallet and bank account total only have 2 dollars.
Sometime I will blame them why they are so poor ler still give birth to so many child just because they want boys and I will blame why life are so unfair etc...
But as time goes by, I realise that how society are.
There is not guy and girl are equal this kinda of things.
Guy are always better in girl in some sense.
I am not that strong. I am not independent.
I am not that good compare to my sister.
I am not pretty compare to my sister.
I am not......I am not..... I am not...
Friday, April 16, 2010; 3:12 PM
Pretty?? Ugly??
What are those definition actually??
Does appearance determine it??
I just think that no matter how pretty you look, if what you do or behave or thinking are with motive, I just think you are freaking ugly.
However, that not how society judge one, no matter how much you say, or I did say, we will not look at outer appearance. we are just lying to ourselves or just making stupid comments.
Let me ask myself or you all, if there is a ugly person who is poor but have super great quality, people will neglect him at first side compare to a pretty and rich person.
SO can i conclude that average is always good, no need be understanding
Wednesday, April 14, 2010; 10:15 AM
Just wondering whether what my eyes were seeing the same things as others eyes see.
Frankly, I think I am such a stupid. Why can't I just be what "it" wants me to be? Why can't I just accept the fact that no one is thinking the same as what I am thinking? So many questions of why in my mind but the fat is that I just don't know the answer to it or maybe I knew the answer but I don't want to change.
To the point of fact is that why should I change myself for "it". It is just ridiculous to change who I am. Actually if you think deep and search in your mind or heart, you will know that to resist change you are the foolish fool here cause you are bound to suffer and outcast.
I dare to say that I don't put in my whole heart in finishing a particular task loudly.This includes examination. I will have the mindset of saying that everything will be okies and we should have fun. So come on why are you so stress....I am a last minutes person.
Just that what i see and hear from a person might alter. You cannot be like them but then you need to protect yourself. However, I just cannot do it. I am just the kind of person who like to suffer by myself. Knowing that I shall not be dependent, I am still dependent.
I don't really know what I am trying to convey here...It just that I am having a lot of thoughts these days and it is killing me. You just don't know how much the impact is if you did not experience before. It was like having multiple radio station tuned on the same time and there are two representatives.---the angel VS the devil---
Angel will win at the very last, I knew it. However you just cannot divert your concentration on matters. Brain is a funny control centre. For the same thing, it might give you different reaction.
Someone once,who I know, said to me that I might look strong form the outside but actually I the one who needed the most protection and caring. Actually I don't quite understand what he means but never mind I don't ponder for things I don't know. It just give me a sense of headache the world is raining this kind of feeling.
Deep in my heart,I know that how the things work and why it happen. However I choose not to believe it unless I see it from my eyes. It just foolish how much you trust a person and that person tarnish everything you believe he/she is. The point is that I am such a moron to do it again and again and hurting myself again and again.
Sunday, April 11, 2010; 11:26 PM
In the past, people have the mindset of boy is better then girl. Girls are normally mistreated and undergo discrimination as well as unfairness.
In this modern days, boy and girl are consider to be equal. However, we just cannot make everyone has that mindset you see.
My parent, on the other hand, belongs to those who still think guy are better than girl. Although they will say no, i treat everybody the same cause you all are my child, obviously people can see it through their action.
I don't blame them for our financial situation and having to suffer days without proper food like having maggie for weeks. It just that the action they do make me ponder why girl are inferior to guy from their perspective.
To begin with, my brother don't do well in studies. In fact, he skipped school and lied to my parent saying that he did go to school and is studies were in a total mess.
They are should immature I suppose. I mean, look at out financial situation, the way they behave shown it. They were only thinking about enjoying themselves. Neglecting studies and saving money to buy game or spending it on need and not a want.
When you want to talk sense to them when they did something wrong, someone will eventually think you are bully them and scold you, or not they will be like don't scold them already they should know their fault. Seeing the situation now, I doubt they ever learn.
Today, my dad borrow some money from me saying he don't have much money left (when I mean some is very little cos i don have that much either, considering how can i save when my pocket money is unstable always).
Therefore, I lend him all the money i can come up with. My younger brother, which study k2, wants to play animal kaiser which is 2 dollars per play.
Can you all believe it?? Saying that he no money, he still let him play...speechless... =.=
At night, I asked my father whether there is anything to eat for tomorrow morning and he walked for about few minutes before answering my question, he asked my brother whether he wanted bread for tomorrow. He said yes and he went to buy it. Never mind....
I bought milk as i think i fairly lack of calcium and what do i get here, is that they drink the milk i bought. My father just simply say we are all family so just share it. I know it is okies and i am not angry with the sharing part. I am just angry that you borrow money from me to let him play game and then ask me to buy thing on my own.
I don't know what to say la...just that feeling weird weird de...
Friday, April 9, 2010; 2:39 PM
First of all let me shout it out that I am super annoyed with someone.Not many people can achieve to the fact that not judging others by their own feelings or point of view. It just that the person should not be so selfish not to even spare a though on your feeling.For example...That person like me and woo me. However, I reject him upon knowing his feeling for me and request to be best friend. He replied okay, but he sent a sms saying I was insensitive to his feeling while rejecting him. I replied with the fact that saying I know being rejected will definitely felt sad. Is not the fact that I am not sensitive, is just not right to not hurt you while I not in love with you.I know my rejection will hurt you so I date you, then this is counted not sensitive?I think is super rubbish and ridiculous...This will cause you more hurt and of course hurt me as well.DO you think rejecting you I will not worry? That is a super wrong.When a girl reject a guy..she will scared that the person will ignore her or hate her...so letting causing them to drag their decision and cause the person to wait and wait for that answer NO.I am just being direct cause it just not right knowing that will hurt you, I stead with you.It does not works this way. That person better don't make me pissed off to the maximum or not I won't spare a thought to scold you and tell you wrong on the face.Voicing out views and thinking is affected by our emotional...We must learn to control it or to divide it to different sector so as to affect our thinking or life.Sadly for that person, I bet if I work for him, he will surely take personal revenge.In conclusion, we should be aware of our feeling and don't let it affect us what thinking.Impulsive and judgment will cause unfair decision and might result in undesirable outcome.
Thursday, April 8, 2010; 10:48 AM
别看我凶巴巴的，其实我比谁都细心比谁都脆弱。
受过打击的人啊，就是不一样。心里面像是被人挖了个洞似的，除非有合适的人来填补，不然的话那个洞只会越 来越大。
真正的我没那么坚强，严格来说是个胆小怕事之人。
我虽然性格，动作和想法类似于男生，但毕竟我不是。我不是你们眼里想像那么勇敢。我真的好想大哭一场，但是有谁会关心呢?
我真的觉得自己就像只丑小鸭。就算和一群天鹅在一起我也不会脱变成天鹅。只是一个意外让我落入了一堆天鹅中，梦想以为自己变成了白天鹅，某天照镜子才发现自己一点都没有改变，只是善良的天鹅一直给我最善意的谎言。
现实是残酷无情的，感觉在这世界生存是非常累的一件事。想想如果睡一觉起来发现原来一切都只是一场梦那该有多好。做梦未必是件好事。因为早晚都会醒来，醒来的时候还是要面对现实。那时候会痛上加痛，不如一早就清醒的面对。
说的容易才不容易，我知道我在逃避现实。害怕又在被伤害，害怕很多东西，不敢往前。。。
受过打击的人有时候越开心来了，反而会害怕，越是开心，则越会害怕这样的开心会流逝。
对于有的人来说幸福是那么简单的事情，也许只是吃一顿饱饭或者有一个温暖的地方可以睡觉就足够了，可是真正得到的人却不懂得珍惜。我突然有感而发。
人们往往都用自己的情感来打量事件，让周围的人受伤。
哭过就好了。。。我的眼泪已经不是带着那样的讯息而是绝望。
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