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Monday, June 30, 2008; 2:40 PM
Just got back my digital electronic and principle of electrical and electronic engineering result, sort of disappointed and dishearten. I scored far badly from what I did as before. I can't help thinking that I am a stupid person and other are so intelligent, almost every people scored fairly well.
I cannot believe myself that getting into poly had made my self-esteem getting lower and lower.
I think that I am far too worse to compare with others from poly.
I feel like I am not belonging to the world of theirs as I just can’t seem to fit into it.
My heart feels tight and heavy, I wanted to say what I want to say but then I don't know what I want to say and I don't know how to express it. This feeling is so complicated, I also don't know how to express my feeling just that I know that I have a lot to say but then I don't know what to say.
Never ever feel so lonely before, poly lives is really killing me.
I cannot follow the pace of others.
Fear is often greater than the danger itself; I am facing all kind of fear although I know that the real journey has not yet started.
Fairytales is nice to watch or appreciate but never ever will be true and thus don’t expect such great change would happen in my life as miracle would not happen at all.If there really is it will not be my turn.
Like to watch anime and cartoon and drama but then those things are far too much to be true but then i still watch it so as to continue living in the fictional world of my own.
Thursday, June 26, 2008; 11:42 PM
Why do I live in this world?Am i born to suffer?Why am i being treated as invisible by almost everyone although i tried hard to let them notice my presence?Appreciation is always lack for what i do,Why?Am i a thorn in everybody flesh that they don't ever want me to appear in front of them?
I am lost in the fog completely,losing all the direction and don't know where to go.I feel like i am in the fog which i am standing at the top of the cliff about to fall if i tried to make another move.And looking down,I only can see the bottom is surrounded with darkness.
The raindrop is coldand the force is strong,the more it land on me,the more i feel that i am not belonging to the world.My heart is bleeding and the blood is dropping downlike raindrops that flooded my heart till it is too hurtful to take anything.
My world is completely different from what teens world should be.There are many doors insight i can see but then all are shut tightly that i can't see where to head to.Seeing teens having their fun and everything,i am green with envy,that what i can do and nothing else.Iwanted to make a different in my life but then the more i tried the more i feel sad.All the tears i shred is accumalating and the feeling of crying is nice as it help to destress but then icried till the tears is becoming lesser till i seldom cry to be less emo.
I can't recongise who i am anymore,i despise myself and i hate the world it giving all the stress and problem.Ill-fated fate stick with me and i don't want that,I wan the power to break through them too but then i can't evenr aise my strength for simple things.
Just now going to seng song with family after coming back from swimming with yu yun.When i am swimming with yu yun,I chat with her about a lot of things,i feel much more well when i am going out with my family to buy grocery although i paid for my own stuff and everything.Is likei long time never go out with them liao and etc so i feel strange and some mixed feelign when tagging along and i began to think about other things.
I thinkthat i am hate by everyone and i don't deserve everything in this world.I am born to live with meaningless aim and suffer like i am now.The future seem so closed to me which it is too dark to continue.
Labels: quite emo today
Wednesday, June 25, 2008; 10:13 PM
Heart is heavy but i don't know what to say.....
Today i have my peee test lol....so difficult my ans wer different from alot of ppl...haha think full 30 marks fly aaway.......
I don't know why ppl don't believe i never study.....
Indeedi never study enough for this test so fail also i derserve it wan as i onli study the formla onli then horx the formula is given.........
Tired of blogging as i think it is meaningless....
Problems and problems arising once again.......
I hate that.......
Remember the carefree time but it seem so far away now....
When one grow up things changes..........
I don't know whatto discribe my feeling just that i feel so XXXXXX.
i think that my fault and i am born to have this lives.
Noisy always i don't want it
Can i have a quiet andpeaceful moment with no worry and watsoever.....
TRying hard to get out but then it is already forming a dead knot which i don't even know how to start solving it.
PERFECT is such a nice word but then in lives nothing is prefect..
In my lives nothing is none other than inperfect.
MY heart bleeding,it bleed inside till it hurts but thne i nid to be happy to letother be happy and not emo for mi.........
Trying hard to be happy i promise but then i don't know why htere is something pulling mi back to where i start........
Labels: watever
Tuesday, June 24, 2008; 9:09 PM
today i got my digital electronics test and
i try my very best to do it and
think it is not a waste for my study till3 yesterday,
although playing tookplace too la...
But it is better for peee liao
as i onli study one hour onli
haha much lesser than de lo.....
Hahah choose to look from the bright
so must i
although i am sad but i will not be crying
and i will not let it affected me.
Haha ppl emo lke emo things lol...
haha..don know why
Nvm la don know what to write
just that i did far worse while i in secondary
and i don know whether to be it or not....
Monday, June 23, 2008; 9:20 PM
Long time never blog liao so strange haha ...Need to talk abt a lot of things...Haha tmr exam coming i sort of never study although meet up with them say study but then i chat with them and run off to shopping halfway and ps them .......HAha this few day i seen to look thing inquite a postive way so okies la not so emo liao....There are things which i would like to say is that
Don see me as the key as i might not be the key for the lock
Try to recall what i have hint you and you say that out and i say yes i think that way
so pls don do that to me i really feel so ps or wat to accept it........
Try not to be too gd to me you might not get thing for return
just treat me normally as a best friend like u treat her
i really feel sorry and gulity when u treat extra nice to me.
sorry for all the saying.
U understand it at first but then i make it worse so what i can do now is apologise.
Although knowing apologise doesnt help.....
he know that she in love with himbut choose to love her he never regret but you sad for him.
Then now is that not even at the race line so it will nevr process ...
I sorry to have hurt u and i wish that a lot of thing i never do
Thursday, June 19, 2008; 2:02 AM
Sponsered by:yung sin
Haha
now i am
seventeen liao...
JUst nothing
better to do
just
write it down
only..
Labels: lol
Wednesday, June 18, 2008; 9:45 PM
Test coming soon but i still have not studied yet.....
Dont know how well i can score with that kind of hardwork........
Heed your advice,hakim...
I try not to be emo...lol...
so i try to find things to do...not watching video or anime or wat.....
I play some small game to keep myself occupied haha it did work lo but then think my eyesught going to get worse as never quite left the game after that.......
think i will get tired of it pretty soon ba...
Sat my uncle wedding still have not decided wat to wear to go with my hairstyle...
Haha although i don't like this hairstyle but no choice this fact cannot be changed like what the thing that cause mi to be emo also cannot not change so why bother to be emo.......
haha i say it like that but then got put into action or not must depend on other day to see ba....
Hope it will be a success and i become the way i am again and crazy ba...lol....
Labels: Get away
Tuesday, June 17, 2008; 10:07 PM
My computer is getting so lag once again and the problem of disconnecting nad connecting persist again.....
HAte that lo...always load so slow for one thing and the msn and everything will stop ......
Nvm la...
Just hope it won spolit so easily ba.....
today quite sian for mi and health wise not in good condition too...but okeis la will keep fit wan.....
Today i watch a show on cd la so touching lo.....
Saying about a lotof lives thing through the horror show lo...
I find it so nice and meaningful.......
Labels: still nothing to write
Monday, June 16, 2008; 9:45 PM
Aiya now then i know got so many projects to do...haha never even do wan yet lo....
now how lo....don't know what to do liao....
Watever the case la think empty is what most poeple feel la...don't know where that come from buti think from hte loneliness we feeling so we feel empty ba....
I feel so empty in fact think that things is missing but don't know whta htat...
I wan tto find it but thne feel a stone in my heart that i don't know how....
Hai all those just my thinking ba nvm la......
HOpe for the better and the best too
Labels: don know what to write day
Sunday, June 15, 2008; 11:30 PM
My lives is as boring as that there is no happening at all.
What i do everyday is that eat,watch tv then sleep.
It is too peaceful that i can get tired with lives.
Whatever the case,i think my lives is too plain.
Haha plain lives might be good as i thought but the more plain it be the more i feel like running from it.
Seeing other lives full of vibrant and color and activities,i envy them a lot.....
Thinking why can't i lead a lives like them too but then i think is pretty difficult to that stage now.
Is like you are running for a competiton on a track till half way and you can't possibly run abck but to keep myself from running forward no matter how it is in front.........
Vibrant lives is what people said when their lives is full of activities.
One say that we should live our lives to our fullest but to me is that there is no fullest in my lives yet and for now.
Haha hope that things might change for the better and that miracle will happen in my lives so as to make my dream come true and lives to the fullest.
I cannot feel the warm around but then i can see that warm is around for people i know....
Why i feel so,i also don't really understand why but true is that i am not alone.....
Loneliness might be the best partner for me,shoukd i think so?????
Hope for the better and hope that thing might change for me for the better...
IS there really such thing as one day from crow turns into phoenix,if there really is,i hope my lives can be something like that too.
No matter how big the changes is i will hope for it to happen,as i think it is for the better and not the worse...
Labels: lives
Saturday, June 14, 2008; 11:46 PM
Birthday coming soon......so should i be happy or sad?????
I don't know to be happy or sad with it as i really what this year birthday would be like, would it be like previous years that is disappointing????
I really don't know the answer to it so let see how it will be ba.....
Today i cut my hair thought ti would be nice lo.....
Then it was like so ugly lo....like auntie lo.....
i hate it a lot but no cnoice cut liao cannot do anything liao......
Must get use to it lo....hai imagine sat got uncle weddign then i don't know what to go along with it liao...
so strange to match with other clothes and so ugly.....
Sian lo.....
Nohting in particular ba just feel a little bit emo...
Don't know why i feel so too might due to the fact i feel empty ba but i really don't know how to discribe it lo....
Just that feel sad from the heart and just don't know where it come from....
Maybe i know it but i choose to avoid......
I really don;t know why if eel so but nevertheless ithink today is quite okies la if i never cut my hair...lol
Labels: hai
Wednesday, June 11, 2008; 9:54 PM
Today i went to my grandma house to prepare for the upcoming saturday which is the wedding dinner.
Why should i prepare...lol....
Haha to help up with my aunt make up and whatever.....
I feel so stress by them lo...my make up skills not good and that put the trust in me...
Haha hope for the best when i do ba....pray hard...lol.....
Then i went shopping with them to shop for her dress for the night...
Bought one which is so nice lo.....
But nevertheless try to share their happiness which i failed to anyway...
I feel so empty and a little sad though wiht no specific reason........
I daydream all the day never study and don't know what to do lo....
As i daydream all those mission impossible dream lol...
Think it is enough for me to have ideas for imaginative book liao....
Don't know what to write although i feel like writing watever thing i know to my emo but too bad.....
Haix just don't know what do i want and why i feel so .......
Feeling troubled tooo
Labels: emo????
Today i went for my class outing....
Haha get to meet with my secondary school teacher and took some phto but i never talked with them......
Quietly sit there,i see them having lots of fun......
Hai the moment i went back home so many problem just arouse lo....
I think i am very unlucky nowadays lo......
Haix got to pray liao...lol.....
Hahaha got this problem and that problem sian....
Find the answer liao know why i emo yesterday, i emo not because of what u guess is because i am looking down on myself and then think that negative myself so i sad...lol
Wakaka know what u trying to say but to tell you i am not like that to begin wiht but to fall to this state int he biggest mistakes made and difficult to get up too upon trying so many times.....
Thanks that u accompany me till 3 plus and sorry to trouble you.....
Hahaha think u will not visit my blog unneccessarily buti just wan to say i know what u means n thq.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008; 1:32 AM
Feeling so down today, i think that i am so pathetic lo.
Time has a way of taking what belongs to you.
My favourite question:
In the greenhouse,the flower does not feel the rain.
Outside the greenhouse, the flower grows under the rain.
They are both flowers but which are more fortunate, if only thet could talk,whay would they say?
haha don't even know the answer myself as i wish to be situated inthe middle.
Sunday, June 8, 2008; 9:26 PM
Standing in the middle of the road,passengers walked away briskly.
Shoulder and shoulder touching each other and meancing eyes looked upon you,awaiting for you to say sorry.
The atmosphere here is surrounded with cold and loneliness.
Having the sense of feeling that i am living in a world different from them or having a smaller footsteps compared to them,i feel like things are going more and more out of my hand.
The self in me starting to become more and more lack of self-esteem and i find myself more and more difficult to face the world.
Thinking i was absolute small in this world and cannot even make a difference to it.
WHy do they need to treat me so differently?
Bad things always pushed me to go first then the benefits all claimed by them or not i will always be the last one to claim it.
The strength of me is limited and is pretty small but why do you all need to push me to do everything.
The coldness you all show me and the unfairness too,it just make my heart sank more deeply.
I wanted to cry but don't dare to.
I wanted to show my dislike but i don't dare to.
Why there are so many don't dare for me?????
Is it really difficult to say i don't wan to do this and that????
Why they is so limited warm i can find from this?
Heart is healing slowly but the wound is getting is getting deeper everytime.
Does being an easy going person make you all treat me in this way?
Family, what is it????
Fairness??
Labels: Question it
Thursday, June 5, 2008; 11:56 PM
Really don't know why human like to take advantage of people who are easily being bullied.
But can they spare a thought to them??????
Although they pretend to be quiet and accept the task assign,they are in fact thinking why they are treated differently and why they are being used.
Never voice them out does not mean that we can treat them differently is just that we say okies and never mind only.....
It also does not means it never affects that person lo.....
Hai don't know how to phrase what i am going to say but hope you all understand as i tried hard to express what i am trying to say.
Is just like that the particular person is quiet always and you just take it and ask her to do all the unwanted things and then when she voiced out,is like there is unhappy comotion lo...
While when one person is like fussy and voice their view everytime, people would not call her and if really call,if they reject the comotion is not high as it is expected....
WHY??WHy???
We human take it like that.....
Does it means we need to show displease for everything that you will just leave me alone for a while???
Blame,angry,scold and whatever is just like landing on the person who is okies with everything lo....
When you say you are good and say me in a bad way,i accept it but the way you sayis just too overboard but till then i never voice it out.....
And thus you went more overboard........
Really think that i one of myself who stand up on her own......
Finding it will it be difficult or is just in me that i just refused to voice out??
I really don't know but i just sigh and think why we have this mindset....
I never voice out not because i afraid of you is just that i don't wan thing to get worse thus i tolerate.......BUT remember a tolerance have its limitation although you still have not meet it but just to say that don be over doing it.....
As the one who suffer may be me or you.....
Labels: labeless
The Cip today was so fun...we have our karaoke session which most of the songs is quite old liao...
I have a great time there ba as i and yung sin sang to entertain the elderly.....
So fun lo.......
Hai suddenly think that i am very easily bullyby ppl lo.....
Like to put their anger on me and shout at me or give me atttiude...
Am i really so easily been bullied?????????????
Tuesday, June 3, 2008; 2:35 PM
Today i am so surprised lo...
Wake up and i saw a breakfast in front of me...wow that so rare lo.....
HAi feel strange but happy too to eat breakfast when is holiday or weekend...haha...
MIght dueto the fact that yesterday i finished all the cake at 3 am ba...so nothing to eat for my sister so she cooked......
Connection of my notebook got problem nowadays as it keep connect and disconnect...
I bring it for a repair today at school la.....Hope that it will not cause me any problem liao as i have went to the service centre a lotof time from 28 may to now....hai
wow wushu,the thumbdrive expensive lo...thought four gb leh as my friend bought it at 4 gb 20 something onli while yours is 2 gb 19.90...
nvm u bought already so haha k...pay u back on the day of class outing as nowaday busy with cip and watch anime...
Never study leh...hai don know the exam how liao as don know who to study with....
STudy with friend frm sec was so strange lo...like course different or poly...
So tend to don know what to talk wat more if brings frienz along so sian lo....
HAi wat i going to do.......
OMGOMGOMG going to fail liao....
I am coming for it ......
Sian la holiday is it counted or not?????
Labels: hai
Monday, June 2, 2008; 10:38 PM
Today i do my cip programme for the sake of cip points la...lol...
Haha cannot believe what we do there lo...lol...
Haha playing manjong with he elderly....
HAi i sarting to feel sad within suddenly.....
Think i am too puzzled with what i am doing is wrong or correct????
HAi i find out that when my birthday is near,i will tend tobe sad lol....
Wat more today i just being wronged haha nvm lo...accepted it but feel sad and a little bit strange la.....
Bored at home lo...nothing to do all i dois watching tv and tv again and use com lo.....sian lo nothing better to do.....
hai sian sian csn multiple by 1000 or more lo sian
Sunday, June 1, 2008; 8:23 PM
hai...Bascially nothing for me to do at home as i don't feel like studying and nobody accompany me to study so forget it......
Watching anime at home but too bad lo,the anime(Vampire knights) i wanted to see upload till episode eight only sian......
I wishes i can just have the cd and watch it lo...and the anime is quite nice too...i like it .....
Aiya nothing to write as i am pretty bored without school and wat more no one askedme to go out or studythat i am slacking.....
Die liao for sure for the exam that coming bye bye to that gd gpa......
As i know myself is not who studyalone want and i need someone to force wan...lol
Nvm la....quite sad actually but don know how to describe why i am feeling sad for......
wakakak just acceptthe sadness and sallow in ba ....
Labels: sian
Sponsered by:yung sin
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